Dear Maria,

These days, I’m staying away from friends who don’t share my political views. It used to be okay to hang out with these people, but now everyone is on edge. It’s just easier to not see them than being in a conversation that might get ugly. Is it okay for me to avoid these people? I feel bad, but relieved, when I do.

Signed,

Hiding Out

Dear Hiding Out,

There’s an old saying about not talking politics or religion if you want to enjoy a conversation. Who knows when that phrase was coined, but it seems relevant now more than ever. We’re all weary from a vitriolic, divisive campaign, and the business of governance seems to have lost the civility it once had. Kind of like the get-togethers with friends—there was a time when you could agree to disagree. Now, hot button issues are front and center for many people. It’s hard to be with people who don’t share our views. We can avoid the tension by avoiding them. I understand, and have done it, too.

The way I see it, there are people we cannot avoid, like coworkers and family, and those we can, like neighbors and friends. At work and with family, focus on what you have in common rather than what sets you apart. Perhaps some of your anxiety comes from pre-interaction dread. Do an end run around potentially tense conversations by bringing up safe topics. If you feel trapped in any situation, consider my earlier advice to a letter writer with a very difficult mother-in-law (reprinted, below). With neighbors and friends, it’s important to keep a good vibe going, but not at the expense of your peace of mind. Be discerning about the time you spend with them, and when you do, follow the suggestions, above and below.

Whatever you decide, try not to make it an all-or-nothing proposition. Some days you’ll have the energy to risk the conversation, other days you won’t. Pay attention to your instincts and let them guide you case by case. We’re in for more turbulence ahead, I’m afraid. So, buckle up, lead with love, and respectfully speak your mind when you’re ready to engage. Take a nap when you’re not.

 

Dear Readers: In a quandary? Life got you down? Need some perspective? If you’d like to submit a question, click here. I look forward to hearing from you, or “for a friend.” Please add your thoughts, and suggestions in the comments section, below. 

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.  This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions. We reserve the right to edit letters for length and clarity, and all comments are moderated.